She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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