My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
