I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
