i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
