Tell her she can't have a vagina
That's when you crack a 10am beer
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
