i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
