If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
