I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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