you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
