so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
