I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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