They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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