you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
