Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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