What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
