I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
