Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
