Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Randomize
