At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
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