I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
