He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
