A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
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