how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
