Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
