If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
