the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
