If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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