Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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