1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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