The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
