i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
My liver just had a heart attack.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
