My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
there is glitter all over my balls
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
