dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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