I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
