Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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