note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
