My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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