I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
you had me at cake vodka
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
