separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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