Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
