cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I think im going to throw up on grandma
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
