Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
