Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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