I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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