Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
