I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
