My liver just broke up with me...
high people should be assigned attendants
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Randomize
