I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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