I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
