I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
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she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
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We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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