I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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