Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
