I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
