You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
