I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
there is glitter all over my balls
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
