I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i came on her dog
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
